Being uncomfortable is part of being human. We all experience physical and emotional discomfort, and much of what we do in response to it is an attempt to move away from that discomfort and toward something that feels better. We distract ourselves, try to solve the problem, seek reassurance, avoid situations, stay busy, or tell ourselves that we shouldn’t feel the way we do. We try to fix. None of this is particularly unusual. Our minds and bodies are wired to notice discomfort and look for relief.
Emotional discomfort can show up in many forms: sadness, disappointment, embarrassment, loneliness, uncertainty, grief, fear, and frustration. Sometimes the feeling is connected to something that has just happened. Sometimes it is connected to something we anticipate might happen, or something that happened long ago. Regardless of where it comes from, emotional discomfort has a physical component. We may feel a heaviness in our chest, tension in our shoulders, a knot in our stomach, a racing heart, or a general sense that we want to get away from what we are experiencing.
As a therapist who works with people experiencing anxiety and trauma-related emotional distress, I often see how much energy goes into trying to manage, avoid, or make sense of uncomfortable feelings. It makes sense that we want relief from emotional pain, but the struggle to get rid of these feelings can sometimes add to our distress. The problem isn’t that we have uncomfortable feelings. The problem can be the additional struggle we create when we decide that we shouldn’t have them.
Softening Our Aversion
Remember: discomfort is universal. We all experience sadness, disappointment, embarrassment, fear, and uncertainty. Feeling uncomfortable doesn't mean something has gone uniquely wrong.
Give yourself permission to feel. Acceptance doesn't mean liking a feeling or wanting it to stay. It means allowing yourself to acknowledge what is here without immediately trying to change it.
Notice when you are adding to the discomfort. Sometimes our struggle with a feeling becomes more distressing than the feeling itself. We may judge it, resist it, or try to reassure ourselves out of it.
Remember that feelings change. Even intense emotions are temporary. We can give a feeling some room to be present without needing to make it go away.
The “Non-Toothache”
There is another part of this practice that I think is easy to overlook.
Thich Nhat Hanh used the example of a toothache to describe the experience of recognizing comfort. When we have a toothache, we know how wonderful it is not to have one. But when the toothache is gone, we may not think much about the absence of pain. We simply go on with our day. The absence of the toothache becomes something we don't notice.
He called this a “non-toothache.”
When we become very accustomed to looking for what is wrong, we can become so focused on the discomfort we want to avoid that we don't always recognize the moments when discomfort is absent.
Think about how much effort we can put into avoiding emotional pain. We may spend a great deal of time trying to prevent disappointment, uncertainty, rejection, loneliness, anxiety, or sadness. We imagine future problems, analyze past experiences, seek reassurance, or try to figure out how to make sure we never feel a particular way again.
In my clinical work, I help people become more aware of these patterns so that they develop a different relationship with emotional experiences. Sometimes that means learning to tolerate feelings that have been difficult to sit with. Other times, it means recognizing when we are anticipating distress that isn't actually present. Both are important parts of learning to feel more at ease in ourselves and in our lives.
Acceptance involves two practices: learning to stay present with discomfort and recognizing when discomfort is absent.
Noticing the “Non-Toothache”
We can easily overlook moments of comfort because they don't demand our attention. Both experiences are worth noticing:
When discomfort is present: Practice staying with it rather than immediately trying to fix, avoid, or change it.
When discomfort is absent: Notice when your body feels at ease, your mind is quiet, or nothing needs to be solved.
You might notice these moments while enjoying your morning coffee, laughing with someone you care about, or simply moving through an ordinary afternoon without needing to fix or figure anything out.
We don't have to wait until everything in our lives is resolved before allowing ourselves to experience comfort. Acceptance means making room for difficult feelings when they arise while also becoming more aware of the moments when they don't.
Perhaps acceptance isn't about reaching a place where we never feel uncomfortable, but about developing a different relationship with discomfort and learning to recognize comfort when it arrives.
Therapy can offer a space to explore your relationship with uncomfortable feelings, understand the patterns that keep you stuck, and practice responding to yourself with greater patience and compassion. In my Denver therapy practice, I work with people experiencing anxiety and trauma-related distress to develop greater ease with their emotional experiences, while also learning to recognize and appreciate the moments when life feels a little less difficult. Please reach out if I can help.