Thinking and Feeling

How does one explain the different between thinking and feeling? Thinking is in the head, where the thoughts happen, while feeling is of the body where emotions happen. Right?

In a black and white world, this definition may suffice. However the two are inextricably linked. Thoughts reflect our feelings. And feelings often tell us what we need to think and communicate. Thoughts and feelings both influence behaviors. Thinking mind and emotional mind contribute to WISE MIND, a skill that is practiced in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT).

It’s no doubt, then, that my conversations with clients often conflate thinking and feeling. Here are some statements in which thoughts are masquerading as feelings.

“I feel like I always have to apologize.”

“I feel like I’m always the one trying to save this friendship.”

“I feel like no one cares about me.”

Each of these statements are legitimate and get the point across, yet each of these statements reflects a thought, not a feeling. A feeling has influenced these statements, but we’ve yet to uncover or communicate the feeling. Notice the difference in each example.

“I feel frustrated because I always have to apologize.”

“I feel resentful, exhausted, and angry that I am always the one saving this friendship.”

“I feel fear (or I am scared) because I often think no on cares about me.”

In naming the feeling (frustrated, scared, resentful), we tend to our feeling self. For now, just know that this is an important component of therapy.

In each of these examples, we have also revealed that the thoughts are exaggerated or reflecting a story instead of being fully rooted in reality. “I always have to apologize.” or “I’m always saving this friendship.” This could be true, but it’s more likely that it may just seem true based on the story that your mind has created around these patterns. “No one cares about me.” Really? No one?!? More on automatic thinking another time.

For now, notice the value of conveying your actual feelings/emotions. The thoughts that inform the feelings are important, but let your feeling self be heard as well.